Answerphone

I called somebody today. The phone rang and rang and rang. A while later an answerphone message began. The voice, speaking in its finest English, proceeded to give me a series of instructions after a most humble apology for not being present. It instructed me to listen for a tone, then advised me to leave a brief message afterwards. This I was informed, would ensure that the owner of this voice would later speak to me in person. I was then informed by another voice that if I wanted to re-record my message I would be able to by pressing hash - Phew!

I’ve been using phones for years. I know about the beep. I know when to speak. I know what will happen if I leave a message. What is the point in telling me all this?

I decided to leave a message suggesting that shortly after listening to it he should pick up the phone, checking that there is enough battery life to make a call. He should then search through his contact numbers and select mine. Next he should press dial, then hold the phone to his ear, ensuring that the phone is upright. After the ring-ring noises have stopped he would probably hear my voice greet him, and should then talk in the gaps between me talking...

I await his call.