When To Speak

Even in an emergency, it's best to speak in the gaps between the other person talking.

Squeak! Squeak!

No, not my shoes, nor the floorboards. I recently discovered that I have some uninvited squeaky friends - Mice. Mice are a problem. It starts with one, eating your food and generally living in your house rent free. If you don't act on this immediately they think it's OK to invite some friends around. Soon after that they decide to start a family. They eat you out of house and home, (without even considering the washing up), poo everywhere, then in the most extreme cases start borrowing things without asking. Books, toothpaste, even hair products.

Looking for a more humane way to evict these unwanted guests than the traditional chopping off of their heads or gluing them to boards, I gave consideration to several possibilities. My first thought was to simply ask them to leave. I'm unaware of this technique ever being used before and thought it might be worth a shot. I left a note under the kitchen cupboard demanding a meeting with the head of the family at 11PM. No mouse to be seen. It was worth a try.

I then considered buying a cat. A cat chewing a mouse to death is still pretty vicious, but this is then no longer a crime committed by humanity and is therefore on the cat's conscience. What ever goes on between a consenting cat and mouse is really none of my business. I do however, as I've mentioned before, live above a shop frequented by poodles who aren't generally renowned for their harmonious relationships with cats.

Next on my list of ways to expel my furry friends is to trick them into believing there is a feline presence. I shall repeatedly play DVD's heavily featuring cats in starring roles, in hope that a nearby mouse believes a cat is in residence and decides to pack its bags. This will be supplemented with a bowl on the kitchen floor half full of cat food. A saucer of milk will follow. I will then sprinkle some cat fur around the place and perhaps scratch up the sofa.


I shall let you know how I get on.

I'm Back!

I'm unhappy that I've left this blog unattended for such a long time but much has happened. I've been working the most ridiculous hours and sleep has become something I get on a flight somewhere, rather than in bed. That's no excuse alone, I've also been moving house. I have so much to talk about and it will grace this page in the form of words and images over the next few days.

I feel it appropriate to inform you now that I have moved into a flat above a poodle parlour. I am the only person I know, or have ever met who lives above a poodle parlour. If you know anyone in the same situation, or who has previously lived a life above such premises, please ask them to get in contact. I would like to start a global network of people sharing tips, recipes, proverbs and general ideas on life in close proximity to poodles. We may even become friends. More about that soon.

There are many stories to follow:

The blind leading the perfectly sighted. The ever more common instances of a lack of common sense. Interestingly phrased romantic gestures from men with their shirts undone on Myspace. (This may become a daily feature.)

Also coming soon - the rise and possible fall of a self professed internet Jesus.


I'll be right back...