Caring For The Environment Not Their Bag?

Today I took delivery of my groceries from a leading supermarket. I was annoyed for three reasons.
1. It was delivered 15 minutes early, I was asleep.

2. There were 12 substitutions. I didn't recognize my own shopping!

3. After unpacking I was knee deep in carrier bags. This is ridiculous. I ordered 52 items. I received them in 25 carrier bags. I'm not exaggerating. That's approximately two items per bag.




I felt a bit like a grumpy old man, but I had to complain. So I did. I called the customer services number on the receipt. I asked them if they cared at all about the environment, and why they were putting everything in separate bags. The answer?

"Some things have to be put in separate bags due to health and safety reasons!"

Now, I understand the concept of keeping meat, veg and dairy produce separate from toilet cleaners or bleach. That's common sense. But seeing as I didn't order any detergents or meat, or really much in the way of dairy produce, where else could this problem lie?

Is it unhealthy to bag yoghurt with Ice cream? Dangerous to mix tinned soup with tinned beans? Or unsafe to transport toilet roll with chocolate?

Perhaps it's a weight issue? Maybe a bag with more than 2 items is considered too heavy for the shopper to lift?

That brings me to the point of the shopper. It does make me laugh when they refer to somebody as my personal shopper. I've often conjured up strange images of someone wandering around with a trolley doing my shopping for me. I've wondered what they might look like. Now I have a vivid image in my mind.

An image of a man with a white stick being lead around the aisle by a dog!

Is There A Song About Halitosis?

I saw a snippet of an Opera whilst flicking through the TV channels in my Italian hotel room, and it got me thinking. I was thinking how strange it would be if real conversations were conducted in an operatic manner. If every word uttered was sung.

There would be many problems with this. Imagine Question Time. Or snooker commentary. Crimewatch? An interesting thought though - at least, I thought so.

Something I noticed about this particular opera, was how close the performers often sung to each other. Imagine a soprano singing in your face with a beautiful voice, such a beautiful melody, but with appalling breath.

Would you want it to stop?

Music To Put Up Shelves To?

It's been hard to get anything done with today's, sticky, oppressive weather. All I wanted to do was hang around the flat being lazy, but something awoke inside me and I felt motivated. Yes! Must get some exercise. Got to get fit and stop eating ice cream.

I marched to the gym, working up a sweat before I even got there. This was more like it. After a good right arm work-out, trying to swipe my card through the entry system, I finally got in. I strode quickly into the cardio area, to be hit by a force far more oppressive than the weather. "10cc", "I'm not in Love."

This is surely the worst possible song to exercise to? You wouldn't listen to Death Metal during a massage? Or Hard House at a funeral? I don't expect to be frantically trying to keep fit to love songs.

The inadequacy of the music is only part of my problem. This in my opinion, is one of the most annoying songs ever written. Awful lyrics, horrible Eighties synth sounds. What is that stringy, breathy, pad sound all about? Is the drum rhythym supposed to be a heartbeat? Does somebody in the bridge whisper, "Big boys don't cry?"

I'm going to name and shame the radio station. Magic FM. On the rare occasion I've been forced to listen, often accompanied by the smell of the taxi driver's magic tree, this song has always reared it's ugly head. How often do they play this song? Do they only have 5 songs they repeat over and over?

The show was called "Mellow Hour" or something like that. Why would we want to be mellow at the gym?

You need something fast to workout to. I think it has to be, dance, pop or rock. Perhaps not jazz. You could have a nasty accident trying to run in 6/8 or 5/4.

The evening continued with some Freddie Jackson, Lionel Richie and James Blunt.

I might take my Ipod tomorrow!

Wet trousers

I was wandering around London the other week and it was raining. Nothing too strange about that, you might think. According to most Americans it rains everyday in London. So why the hosepipe ban? Why the drought. Why do I never get wet when I live here? Still, they know best.

Anyway, during my travels I noticed that the bottom of every pair of jeans was wet. This got me thinking about the average British trouser length. We all seem to have trousers that are slightly too long for us. The bottoms of which, dragging along the floor, picking up all the dirt and getting wet.

Now at the risk of sounding terribly old fashioned, surely this could be rectified by wearing slightly shorter trousers? I'm not saying that the trouser leg should be flapping around your ankles in the breeze. Far from it. Just that it should merely end just before the bottom of the shoe.

I must point out that I too have fallen victim to this trend in fashion. I don't want to look a fool!

In today's harsh world, you could be wearing 32 inches of finest trouser, yet people would find fault in the one inch that was missing.

Shake It Up Baby

Handshakes are becoming ever more complex. I remember a time when greeting a man in public, (or privately) was simply a case of extending one's right hand and giving a firm shake. The length of the shake? 1 to 2 seconds. Any longer would be too much. We all knew where we were with that.

This doesn't seem to be the case anymore. It's evolved. There's the 2 point shake, grab hand in one direction then the other. The 3 point shake, the first 2 steps of the 2 pointer, followed by a locking of the fingers. The high slap, grab, then shoulder to shoulder in a manly semi hug.( I haven't come up with a name for that one yet.) There are many more.

To be honest, I just don't know what to do any more. If you go for the 3 pointer when only a 2 was required, you look a fool. If you go for a shoulder to shoulder manly semi hug when only a formal handshake was wanted, you look ridiculous.

The kiss goodbye has similar problems. Do you go for just the one? Or two? I once met a girl from France who insisted on kissing everyone three times. By the time she had greeted everyone with a kiss hello, she'd ran out of time and had to kiss everyone goodbye. I never did get to speak with her. Maybe she wasn't very good at conversation.

CD Player Causes Plane Crash!

On a flight to Italy, a fellow passenger sitting next to me was happily listening to a cd player, before being interrupted by one of the cabin crew. "You need to turn that off" she explained. "Why?" we asked. (I don't know what this had to do with me.)
"Because it's dangerous whilst flying." Slightly bemused by this, we continued the interrogation to learn that the laser was the problem.
Apparently, the humble cd player laser is capable of interfering with the plane's navigational equipment! I pointed out that the passenger opposite reading his book posed a greater threat. There was a higher possibility of the book flying out of his hand, through the cockpit, and giving the pilot a paper cut!

Surely they're just trying to spoil our fun?